I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
You Might Also Like
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food