I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
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An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Siri, fight Alexa.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.