@FloodyHippie: I hate when I'm checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
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@13spencer: If you're walking down the street and see a teenager, don't panic; just yell "One Direction selfie twerk" and slip away in the confusion.
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he's got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
@TheAdly: Why is your ass split vertically? Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you're going down the stairs.
@bobvulfov: FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom