@MartaEffing: I hate when I'm cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I'm just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
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@Rollinintheseat: When people say “You’re beautiful, don't let anyone tell you otherwise." I want to respond, "Nobody has really been telling me I'm ugly.”
@buck4itt: Don't email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn't watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.
@Home_Halfway: SON: Dad what is that? ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that's a sea moose
@heymonroe: Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.