@MartaEffing: I hate when I'm cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I'm just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
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@NoTheOtherJohn: Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food? Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.
@HeatherLuvsYou: I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it "cooking"
@thedayofthedot: i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.
@Cpin42: Barista won't write "Air Bud was bullshit" on my coffee cup. We've been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL