A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.