I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
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When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.