@Amburglar_: I hate when I'm getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says "my thumbs hurt." It's not like I ever say "My jaw hurts." I finish the job.
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@Rollinintheseat: The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it's okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
@tdwyer618: The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
@shegotagronk: My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
@TheAlexP: [At bar] *all sweaty after doing the worm* Me: *out of breath* see anything you like? Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.