@2tonbug: I hate when I'm in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
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@aidanjsears: ME: i'm nervous WIFE: don't be. just be confident [later] BOSS: so do you think you'd be right for the job ME: *confidently* no
@CornerPubRon: Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
@flashember: [Scientist describing evolution of the zebra] "We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time."
@badbanana: I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I'd try my best to take that thing home.