I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
You Might Also Like
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Where is your GOD now????
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
They did not think through this water fountain
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ