I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
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My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.