I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
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And that about sums it up.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?