I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
You are what you delete.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
FRED: right
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…