I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
What do you hear?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
When they try to steal your moment.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.