Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
You Might Also Like
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.