I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
This 4th of July, please remember…
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius