@Nikkeya08: I hate when I'm pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don't kill me while i'm pooping..
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@OfficialMizGin: My mom when I was a kid: “Never talk to strangers.” “Never get in their cars.” Me to my future kids: “Here’s how to order an Uber.”
@DontDraketheIce: Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
@david8hughes: Interviewer: u worked in sales before? Me: yeah Interviewer: what's your background? Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@dubstep4dads: JIM: I've got an idea. Let's call this place "Jimadelphia" [PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]