I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Customize Your Wedding.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me