Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
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I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Good morning!
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]