I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea