@sarah1mc: I hate when I'm telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.
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@myonlymizztake: I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn't eat that cookie? That's -150 calories.
@YeahDrewisOn: I've learned there are two types of people in this world: People I trust to help me bury bodies... ...and bodies
@jiggynye: My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
@Soo_Scandalouss: I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..