@sarah1mc: I hate when I'm telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.
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@bencoffeehall: Just saw a license plate that said "LUV SLUG." I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
@funnyordie: Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
@iheartgunts: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.