@mrjohntofu: I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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@LizHackett: THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you. ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.
@P0tterhead_394: I like when babies cry and you make the same noise as them, and they look at you like, "Wow. That's annoying." and you're like, "I know."
@knotta_tardfan: I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.