I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”