@kavoinooi: I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don't hurt his feelings
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@MattElGato: *intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"
@ValeeGrrl: My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he's in all black & I'm telling her we worship the dark lord.
@TheRobCee: [labels account "18+"] [tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
@AndyAsAdjective: Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I'm going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.