@kavoinooi: I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don't hurt his feelings
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@spekulation: Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I'm not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
@maughammom: Me: "You kids aren't getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!" Grandma: "Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing."
@juliussharpe: I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It'd be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.