printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
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I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
If you know, you know
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer