I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
me
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.