i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
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6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.