I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
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Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.