@GingerHotDish: I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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@ozzyunc: It's 2080. Every living human is named Taylor. Dogs are the size of hamsters. The iPhone 47 is the size of a parachute. Weed is mandatory.
@EmmBalls: Venmo me $20 and I will comment "yikes" on an enemy's Instagram picture of your choosing
@Tmoney68: George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday. I'm 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
@pstamato: Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.