I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[the middle of showering] I need a break
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”