My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
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tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.