My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
goldfish mafia
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.