@RoosterMustache: I hate when my phone corrects "hood morning" to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
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@Sassafrantz: Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents felt.
@SteveSuckington: "Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid." Timmy: stupid? "Exactly"
@amydillon: To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says "Don't worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains."
@DanMentos: dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I'll be there in 6 hours