One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?