Mummies are just super modest zombies
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.