When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
*pronounces surface like Versace*
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there