ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing