Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Saw your ex at the shops
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Social Media and Real life
Natty or not?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.