@TheMichaelRock: I hate when my wife says "GO WAIT IN THE CAR" because I'm not sure if she's talking to me or the kids.
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@michaelianblack: Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!
@OhNoSheTwitnt: The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you're prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
@ProdigyNelson: Bouncer: ID please Me: I got socks for Christmas Bouncer: …okay Me: and I'm genuinely happy about it Bouncer: so sorry come on in
@JaySuch: My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don't go to Disney.