My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
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developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too