I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain