Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question