Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.