@adult_mom: I hate when people ask if my newborn is a "good baby" and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
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@Brianhopecomedy: *grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor* Wife walks in: "WHAT HAPPENED?" "A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house"
@Douchekevin: Wife said she was 'retaining water' and I said I'd wondered who drained the swimming pool. Been 4 days and I'm still hiding in the attic
@QueenofSparta: She's a macaroni art maker, he creates pictures of Jesus on toast. Their budget is $1.2m. *House Hunters