I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.