I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”