I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
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Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.