And then there were 4
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You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.