Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
*seductively corrects your posture*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today