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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”