People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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#FunnyLife Insects
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
starting a garage orchestra
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.