@OhNoSheTwitnt: I hate when people say "you always want what you don't have" like that's really insightful and not just explaining the definition of "want."
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@OfficialMizGin: Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women. If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.
@panmidwest: Friend: you should come over tonight. we're watching 'How to Train Your Dragon 2' Me: Friend: Me: to what? Friend:
@Jessberrie: I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob
@XplodingUnicorn: 7-year-old: What's your favorite color? Me: I don't know. 7: I thought you went to college.