[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
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Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.