Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Quadruple digit IQ
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.