I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My life in a nutshell
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP