I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.