peeping toms
You Might Also Like
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody