ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
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My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
How animals would run if they were human
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea