@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it's not, it's Jennitalia.
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@AlexRogaski: [On couch, notices it's 6pm] Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8. *Notices it's February* OH SHIT
@NotJPo: Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.
@DiamondLou69: I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap... ...I told her it wasn't necessary because I had one earlier today.