Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
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I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.