I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
a lot to unpack here
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house